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5 months, 21 days.
That’s how long I have lived on this earth without my mother living in it. It seems like it’s been so much longer than that. Days, moments… they creep by at a snails pace, every second reminding me that she is gone.
I still pick up my phone to call her.
I still pick up my phone to send her pictures.
I still want to check with her if she wants the girls on school holiday weekends.
And every single fucking time I am hit with the excruciating truth- she is dead and I can’t call her. I can’t talk to her. I can’t show her pictures. And my girls will never again spend any time with her and neither will I.
That pain will never, ever die.
I will never, ever quit needing and wanting my mom.
I don’t like this life.
My mom always believed in me and when she went, I feel like a piece of me went with her. It’s a piece I’ll never get back. And in my darkest of moments, I’d give anything to be where she is despite the cost of going there.
I’m just lost. I don’t know who I am without her.
— Softer, Jimmy Eat World (via batgirlsay)
Finally starting to be able to breathe… My midterm is complete and now I all I can do is wait. I feel good about it.
But I know I should definitely take some time to reevaluate and think about school and the fact that our lives make it so that I have to do it all in the middle if the night unless I want to have to move heaven and earth just to do homework.
But I feel good about my midterm so at least there is that.
Can’t brain anymore.