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172 days.
14,860,800 seconds
247,680 minutes
4128 hours
24 weeks
5 months, 21 days.
That’s how long I have lived on this earth without my mother living in it. It seems like it’s been so much longer than that. Days, moments… they creep by at a snails pace, every second reminding me that she is gone.
I still pick up my phone to call her.
I still pick up my phone to send her pictures.
I still want to check with her if she wants the girls on school holiday weekends.
And every single fucking time I am hit with the excruciating truth- she is dead and I can’t call her. I can’t talk to her. I can’t show her pictures. And my girls will never again spend any time with her and neither will I.
That pain will never, ever die.
I will never, ever quit needing and wanting my mom.
I don’t like this life.
My mom always believed in me and when she went, I feel like a piece of me went with her. It’s a piece I’ll never get back. And in my darkest of moments, I’d give anything to be where she is despite the cost of going there.
I’m just lost. I don’t know who I am without her.
— Softer, Jimmy Eat World (via batgirlsay)
Finally starting to be able to breathe… My midterm is complete and now I all I can do is wait. I feel good about it.
But I know I should definitely take some time to reevaluate and think about school and the fact that our lives make it so that I have to do it all in the middle if the night unless I want to have to move heaven and earth just to do homework.
But I feel good about my midterm so at least there is that.
Can’t brain anymore.
Have dumb.
Every story begins somewhere… each chapter we start has a beginning and I suppose that this is mine.
I am Rachel. Wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, student, artistic, caffeinated, nerdy, likes liking things.
I am also happy, obsessive, bored, content, often sad, sometimes bitter, angry more than I would like to admit, usually overwhelmed and always curious, always seeking.
I spend most of my time seeking and searching. For what is within me, beside me, in front of me, behind me and completely unforeseen and unknown.
I am a walking contradiction… trying to find where I belong and never landing anywhere that I feel like I actually fit.
I have anxiety more now that I ever have in my life.
I hate asking for help.
I hate feeling weak.
I hate feeling lost.
I hate feeling stuck.
I live a life of extreme highs and extreme lows and pray to whomever may listen for some days of simple goodness.
Mostly these days, I am just lost. Grieving. Mourning the loss of my best friend, my greatest mentor, my first soul mate and my hero. My mother. Everything is different. Everything is maddeningly the same. Time stops; wounds stay open and bleed, yet everything seems to go on, crude stitching along the wounds to keep them closed for the most part, but the pain and the blood seeps out. I don’t know how to do this and I never really will.
But I do it anyways because I have to. I have her treasures to take care of, to nurture and teach and try to be even a fraction of the mother to them that she was to me.
Most days I do a good job of it all.
But right now? Right now I am overwhelmed. I want to quit. Quit everything but being their mama. I tell myself that this will be worth it. That it is ultimately for them. But is taking this time to do something for me worth it? Or is it selfish of me? These girls are my whole world and I feel like I am taking away from them too often to be something else in my life that will never be as important to me as being their mama. But I started this path to not only change and affect their lives for the positive but to also help change some aspect of the world.
I’m going to keep on for now even if it kills me, but some days, especially tonight; I really do feel like it might actually kill me.
